HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM (IN HEAVEN) FROM YOUR SON...
Mommy,
I had a dream about you last week... I was really sad from the dream because you didn't recognize me... I am thinking you went through that threshold when you passed away and now have forgotten everyone from this past incarnation. I remember in the dream you showed me pictures of me and shared with me that those pictures were of your son... They were pictures of me... You were sharing those pictures with pride. I guess I should feel good... It was nice to see you again in a dream... It's been way too long...
I felt really sad yesterday Mommy... I didn't know how to celebrate your 63rd birthday last yesterday... How do you celebrate the birthday of someone that has passed away... Between the dream and your birthday, I felt really sad... As you probably see Mommy, I have moved into a studio... Don't you love the kitchen? Aren't you proud of me for cooking the oxtail soup and the tomato stew and mushroom and chicken stew? I don't know how to make your lemon chicken soup nor your steamed egg whites... I have been craving your herbal chicken soup... There is sooo much happening... Chin celebrated yet another birthday this past Saturday... The family got to come together and have a meal. We had good laughs and stories to exchange... We're all doing well... Just thought I'd take a moment to let you know I have been sad lately again... I miss you... I wish you were here to cut up some fruit, give me advice on life, share a few proverbs with me, and sigh along with me and just contemplate about the lessons and morals I should be getting from living life...
I have loving friends I am afraid of getting to know for fear that if they really knew me, they would realize I am not cool enough, good looking enough, white enough, tall enough, straight enough, hip enough, young enough, old enough, rich enough, healthy enough, educated enough, witty enough, etc... and end up turning their backs on me and walking away. I have been taking chances in making friends with them... They are amazing... I can see myself loving these people like my brothers and sisters... I am trying to build out this family to try to fill that big void I feel from the fantastic five in the Lam family... I don't think that will ever be filled completely... That saddens me deeply...
Mommy, help me find some clarity... Help me find the courage in continuing to be true to myself, to be true to my decisions in asking for what I want, what I need and go for what I dream for... Help me find the commitment to love and be of service and devote myself to creating a loving space where I can host family (nuclear, familial, and extended) functions where we may come together, laugh, mingle, share stories, eat, drink, and laugh some more...
When I look at the reflection in the mirror, help me find you through my eyes, through my heart and let me love myself the way you loved Grandma, Dad, Chin, Judy, all of your family and me... Help me extend the same love that you extended to me and teach me to pass that forward to those that I get to be with...
I miss and love you Mom... Happy 63rd Birthday...
Your son and friend,
Quoc (Yiao)... "Mom called me "happy when cradled" as my nickname" Right now, I need to be cradled in Mom's arms...
Below are some of my favorite pictures with Mom and pictures from my last birthday with Mom in 2004... I need to scan the other pictures of my family... I need to retrieve them from a friend...
LONELY LIVING ALONE...
Kickin' it with the mini palm trees...
Judy dancing with the 99 cent kite...
Judy Successfully Flying Kite...
So, I am finding myself lonely living in my new home... It's sooo quiet... There isn't anyone to talk to... There also isn't anyone to people please or accommodate to... The place is mine... All mine... So, why am I finding it not as enjoyable as I probably should/could be?
I had a dream about my Mom on Saturday night... I don't remember all the details... This is the first time I have seen Mom in a dream since she passed away in June 2005... In the dream, I remember driving some big old car... There was a minor car accident... I remember mentioning something about Dad... What really stood out was my not telling her I was her son... She pulled out some pictures and showed them to me telling me the person in the pictures was her son... Of course those were pictures of me... I was sooo dreadfully sad that she didn't recognize me... Yet I didn't tell her outright that I was her son...
I have been a little sad ever since... I am sure being sick since this past Thursday has not helped matters... Goodness what I wouldn't give for one of Mom's delicious chicken soups that she would slow cook for the whole day... There would be these special herbs in it that would make it just sooo addictively delicious... I know that would be the best thing for my stomache... I am suffering from gastric pain; diarrhea for days; feeling bloated from gas; loss of appetite; queasy discomfort from what feels like a snake in my lower intestine just swimming around inside me... Today is the first day I've felt some sense of relief... I am at about 65% or 70%... Argh...
I got to participation in the celebration of my sister Chin's birthday... It was an incredibly enjoyable experience... It was a cozy get together... A couple friends, the siblings and of course Chin's fiance Micol... I don't remember laughing sooo much... We talked about everything ranging from funerals, cremation, to fart anectodotes!!!
One of the highlights was my sis Chin telling me for the first time ever about what happened the night I hit my bottom... I was absolutely insane... I've always been telling a certain version in my speaks at recovery meetings... It's interesting to hear this version... Just as scary and a powerful reminder of how blessed I am to be in recovery and seemingly saved from a hopeless situation... I guess I get to add what I did to her onto my 8th step for amends on the 9th step...
I have stalled yet again on my 8th step... I am just about done with it... I need only hunker down and commmit 2 solid hours and I feel I would be done with the 8th step and ready to run it by my sponsor for approval and preparation for the 9th step...
I've had a lot of nostalgic, profound, and just moments where I would want to stop and jot down some notes about the past days events and the inspirations that I gained... Alas, life is sooo full and at times not so full but equally replaced by my full insane thinking head preventing me from blogging...
There are some publish worthy thoughts that swim through my noggin... Alas, I don't have the opportunity nor willingness to share all the time... What a waste... Sometimes inspiration and unique thoughts come like the wind or the stream... The exact same breeze or water doesn't flow through if I don't take time to take a snapshot picture of it... The good thing about it is that in not writing, I am lending more time for me to LIVE LIFE!!!
My feelings are certainly in sync with where I am in life... I am doing great! I have a great job; I managing the heck out of the 2 largest testing programs within the department. I am living in my own space... I am taking chances and bringing more depth to my recovery and the support group in my recovery... I am actually making friends... I actually have moments of complete and utter serenity... I am actually taking time to care for myself and extend that same amount of love, compassion, mercy and tolerance as I do with others. I am not as dishonest, manipulative, immature, etc... as I was yesterday, a week ago, a month ago... etc... I am seeing the perfection of the progress I am making... I am accepting the fact that I cannot outgrow human...
My feelings... sad, alone, familyless, isolated, unproductive, immature, not perfect, not seizing opportunities for romance with a few guys who are actually interested in me for everything I am. I am frustrated about not having abundant financial means to live out some fantasies such as going skydiving and traveling...
It's all good... I am Forgetting Everythings All Right... I am doing well...
Just checking in... Here are some pictures to share from that day I spent with my sister right after lobsterfest... We took a kite I had saved up for years that I purchased from the dollar store... We rigged it up with no hopes that it would fly... Amazingly it did fly and we had good fun and laughs at the bluff of the Korean Friendship Bell in San Pedro... I love my sis' Judy... That smile on her face while she is enjoying flying that kite is indeed priceless... I am happy I get to be present to share moments like these with my sisters and those that I care sooo very much for....
Just for today, I am thankful for the friendship of my friends... I am just lonely... I want a couch for my place so that I may invite some friends to come over, hunker down and watch a movie or have some laughs with me... That too shall come... Patience is what is asked of me...
God help me be patient....
