NEED TO USE THE BALLS I GOT!
I have been faced with a serious dilemma... Speaking up in order to protect the program that I manage at work. I have been facing some of my worst character defects. One of them is the dire need to people please and fear of hurting other peoples feelings and not willing to do anything about it even if it may cost my job or the success of the program. That is powerlessness! I am sooo used to acting as a subordinate and not someone in a position of decision making and taking a lead on ensuring the success of a program.This concern was warranted when I was considered for this position and indeed I am walking in with the attitude of defeat that I cannot assert myself and articulate myself in a fashion that is effective in convincing my boss that I am a confident person capable of managing a program and staff and all the nuances that come with it. Am I trying? YES! Am I learning a lot while going through this whole nightmare of disciplinary actions and admonishing staff? YES! Am I learning fast enough to secure the confidence of my boss and supervisor that I will be able to handle more responsibilities with other programs and staff? Right now? It's looks grim!
I know what I need to do... USE THE BALLS THAT I HAVE AND ASSERT MYSELF. In appeasing to the feelings of my problem staff, I am placing the success of the program in jeopardy which in turn places the reputation of my bosses in jeopardy and ultimately leaves my job security on shakey grounds.
This defect of character is not localized to just the workplace... I had a most challenging time remaining succinct in delivering a message to someone that I am helping in recovery. The person is unwilling and just walking into relapse and really dangerous territory. Instead of taking what my recovery mentor shared with me and just keep it succinct to "be willing to do the work to treat this disease or find someone else that will work with you the way you want to be worked with." I spent about 5 minutes explaining myself and upon hanging up the phone, I was shaking from having to deliver bad news to a person.
So, someone shared that I just continue doing the uncomfortable until I become comfortable. I truly hope that I will be able to do this. I pray that God will help me focus on the task at hand and stay willing to do whatever it takes to maintain a successful program at work and at home. Also, to love a person enough to tell them what they need to hear to save themselves vs. tell them what they want to hear and watch them hang themselves. This people pleasing behavior is really selfish, manipulative, dishonest, inconsiderate, and definitely not in sync with God's will.
I pray that God will remind me that anything I say or do is not powerful enough to hurt anyone elses feelings. People choose to feel bad and hurt, I do not inflict that upon them. Stay on my side of the street... Keep my side of the street clean... If I am doing my best and really extending courage and confidence that I have been promoted to this position because my supervisors truly believe I have the potential within me to be a GREAT supervisor... I need only unlock the door to my potential and release it rather than hold on tight to it and fear that the actions I will do that is not congruent with what others want to hear and see will cause them harm or rather leave me abandoned and alone and labeled and judged as a mean, judgemental, inconsiderate, demeaning, and just horrible person...
I am sooo obsessed with focusing on earning and winning your love and approval that I am making no room for God's approval and also the approval, love and validation that I can find within myself... God help me... I need you help me find the courage, self love, and willingness to be true to myself and take actions that are contrary to what I am accustomed to and trust that the results WILL NOT turn out to the way my head is projecting it to be... That I will be ok. That the program will be ok. That the person in recovery that I am helping will hear what I am trying to share in helping him save his own life.
Lastly to know that God has given me free will to wallow in my misery, pain, feelings of defeat, feeling weak, and fear of being abandoned if I don't take action to preserve a relationship no matter how dysfunctional... God will let me wallow in it as long and as deep into the mud that I want to...
Or
God will support me in honoring myself, practice the uncomfortable and unaccustomed action of seeking inner validation, and truth telling and to practice "Thine will and mine be one."
God says:
Take it easy on myself... Do not FEAR (forget everything's all right)... Be proud of self if I improve more yesterday than I did today... Look forward to more mistakes for they are the seeds of growth... Expect that I will make more mistakes when I am new at something and those mistakes will dwindle as I grow and learn from them and hopefully will not repeat that mistake... See the amazing growth that I have made from a couple months ago, a year ago, a couple years ago, three years ago. I have certainly made great strides! God reminds me: THAT I DID NOT COME HERE TO BE MISERABLE; I CAME HERE BECAUSE I WAS MISERABLE OUT THERE. Smile... Work... Do not hop into the sour boat of someone else. I can watch from afar... Remember life is like a movie... I can choose to get up and walk out of the movie I am currently in and watch another movie... I even have the choice to not watch any movies at all! Which movie am I watching and participating in today? Do I feel like I am stuck? What is the fear of getting up and walking out? Can it be any worse that what I had a week prior to May 19, 2003?
Not to say, "I don't want to do this," but rather, "I don't like doing this, but you're placing the program and the foundation at risk." To share that I need to do what I need to do to protect the program and the success of the program. Understand that we aren't investing this much time into you if we didn't want you to be successful. To get over the feel bads and get proactive with the newfound opportunity to redeem oneself.
God help me to capitalize on your strength and have enough intestinal fortitude to speak the TRUTH of what needs to be communicated without wavering... Practice by writing down what I need to say first...
READER... CARE TO SHARE YOUR EXPERIENCE ON THIS MATTER? WHAT IT USED TO BE LIKE, WHAT HAPPENED AND WHAT IT'S LIKE NOW? I'D LOVE TO HEAR YOUR FEEDBACK... E-MAIL ME AT QUOC@QUOCLAM.COM
Quoc
